in the name of love
by aheartmadefullmetal16
Summary: Roy and Riza are both grieving over Hughes' death. The only refuge they can find is in each other. Oneshot. Takes place after my fic "i will try to fix you".


Takes place sometime after "i will try to fix you". 

* * *

_when there's madness, when there's poison in your head_

_when the sadness leaves you broken in your bed_

_i will hold you in the depths of your despair_

_and it's all in the name of love_

* * *

That night, Riza does not stay in her room.

There's an interior door that connects Roy's room to hers; every hotel stay has been that way. It's easier for her to protect him, and it's easy enough to justify should suspicion ever arise. Usually Riza will leave the door between them slightly ajar, allowing her to hear his breathing as he sleeps. She's grown accustomed to sleeping at the opposite end of the bed if that end is closest to the door, and Roy no longer questions the shifted sheets in the morning.

But that night, there is none of that. The door is firmly closed, her sheets are perfectly in place, and the pillow remains at the correct end of the bed.

"Lieutenant, this really isn't necessary."

Roy's voice is soft, but firm and insistent. Instead of rolling her eyes at his protests like she usually does, Riza waits patiently for him to finish.

"Sir, I recognize your sentiments, but I feel that this would be better for the both of us tonight."

Though they both speak formally, as they had agreed they would whenever they were in uniform or on the job, Riza is situated firmly on the other side of Roy's bed. They face each other, but leave a considerable amount of space between them. She wishes she could scoot over to him and let him hold her, but they're already stretching the rules as it is.

"Hawkeye," he says, trying to put as much meaning in her last name as he would do with her first. "I appreciate it, but I'm perfectly fine."

"We both know that's a bold-faced lie," she replies, but adds a smile to take off the unintended bite of her words. "Colonel, you may not think you need the company, but I think you do. Not to mention the fact that I would very much like to not be alone tonight." Her voice tightens at the end, and Riza is surprised. She's kept her composure for this long, so why is she breaking now?

"All right," Roy agrees. He reaches out across the space to stroke her cheek, and Riza smiles. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Riza responds instantly, almost like it was programmed within her to do so. She fights back the wave of emotions that threatens to crash on the surface, and tries to hide it, but Roy notices. This entire week, Riza has been strong for Roy. She refused to let her grief show itself, and she meticulously packed it down and locked it into a small box in her brain, which was a habit she'd inherited from her father. Before long, that box would burst open and overflow, unable to take the strain any longer. Just a few hours before, it had leaked considerably, but she had managed to lock it back up just in time. But Riza can feel that lock beginning to break.

Anxiety and adrenaline rush through her veins, and her heart begins to race. Deep dread settles into her stomach, and every part of her feels as though she's covered in a thin film of tiny shards of glass. Vainly she swallows, trying to push back the turbulent emotions within her, and succeeds for a moment. "I just… I can't believe he's gone," she chokes.

With those words the lock disintegrates, the box opens, and the flood Riza had tried so valiantly to suppress comes roaring out.

Instantly she's crying, and she hates herself for it. She was supposed to be the one to keep it together and protect her Colonel no matter what, and for the second time that night she couldn't manage to keep her emotions in check? _Pathetic,_ her brain whispers, and that only brings a fresh round of tears. Roy is immediately there, moving across the bed to gather her into his arms. Riza buries her face in his chest and sobs, too distraught to care about the military's rules. Wave after wave crashes over her, and all the while Roy holds her patiently. His hands press quiet circles and triangles and their code symbols into her back as she cries. This was so much worse than earlier- earlier she had simply drowned, but now, the waves bury her over and over again, the salt burning her sinuses and drying out her heart to resemble a shriveled husk.

Words begin to spill out of her mouth, and she can't stop the stream. "Why did he have to die? What are Gracia and Elicia going to do without him? What are _we_ going to to, Roy?" She looks into his eyes, her vision quite blurred from her tears, and she sees that he's crying, too.

"We'll get through this," Roy replies thickly, speaking past the lump in his throat. "We'll _all_ get through this. We'll hold each other up. It's going to be okay."

His words comfort her for a moment, but then that awful monster of grief and pain rears up again, clawing at her insides and tearing her heart to ribbons. The air in Riza's lungs disappears completely and once more, a river of speech rushes from her, nearly unintelligible in its speed. "B-but it _can't _be. How will it be okay? When will it stop hurting so much?" Even as she speaks she hears Roy sobbing, and the sound of the man she loves more than anything completely shattering is more than enough to shatter her, too.

"I don't know, love," Roy says, his voice cracking horribly through his words. He holds her tighter and she curls up into him, hoping and praying that the tightness of his embrace will hold all of her breaking pieces together. "I can't…" His voice fails him. "He was my best friend, and I couldn't do anything to save him. Why am I so _useless_?"

The sparse remainder of Riza's heart breaks even more at his words, and for a moment, all they can do is let themselves cry together for the second time that night. That awful void of grief and pain swallows them whole, and there is no exit in sight. All concepts of happiness and wholeness quietly slip away, and they are left to nurse the throbbing wounds within themselves. Riza feels as though someone is reaching down her throat to sever her heart from her body. Her breaths come in quick, shallow gasps between her sobs and she shudders in anguish.

Hughes didn't just belong to Roy- he and Riza were the best of friends, too. The obligations of the office had always forced them to act like nothing more than civil acquaintances, but nothing could change what they had been through and done for one another. The three of them- she and Roy and Maes- had been through literal hell and back. Ishval had seared and burned out all feelings of humanity, but together they healed each other's wounds and learned to cope.

"I hate myself for thinking this," Roy begins slowly, "but I meant what I said after his funeral. I'm still desperately trying to theorize about human transmutation."

What is still running of Riza's blood stops completely. "Don't you dare." A small flicker of surprise flashes inside her when she hears her own voice. It was snarling, venomous, angry. She could feel a new emotion rising within her, and it echoes in her gaze. Riza loves this man, but sometimes he said the _stupidest_ things. "Don't you ever dare commit the taboo, Roy Mustang." She swallows hard, trying to sound less pathetic. "I can't afford to lose you."

Roy's face, if possible, crumples even more. "I know. God, I know." Then suddenly, horribly, he breaks down harder than he had before, and Riza hates herself. Nevertheless, she holds him even tighter as the rage drains away and the sobs overtake her again.

Riza doesn't know when they fall asleep. She doesn't know when the tears had stopped and exhaustion overcame them. But she doesn't really care. Being comatose offers them the peace they so desperately need, and while they're in the deepest depths of despair, it is the only thing that could ever help.


End file.
